My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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