Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
