I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Enjoy the penises
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
