I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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