I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
