i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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