After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
