Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Randomize
