My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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