He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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