How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
