i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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