We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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