Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
