I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
