She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
