I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
