I showed him my bush... on skype.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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