bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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