I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
