Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
