Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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