i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
