im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
