she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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