It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
