i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
