Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
