I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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