He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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