ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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