It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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