Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
