I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
