I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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