I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize