I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
