Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
