Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
