If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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