i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
