I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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