Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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