i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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