the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
