I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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