I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
