so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
