I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
