The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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