Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
