Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
