Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
