Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
