i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
