Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
