Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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