The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
