In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
