I think im going to throw up on grandma
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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